Brown Bread Toast

Practicality is the best alibi for those who fear to accept their emotions

2nd Feb
After 52 years, I am having to write today. Something which I never did as long as I had someone to talk to. It has been 4 days since my angel's demise, the only family I had. She gave birth to my grand children - twins... I was not sure to celebrate the fact that I was a grand father now or sink myself into her grief. But today, after 4 days, which slapped me with the brutal truth that the decision that I took with my confidence , was not always right. I still don't have the courage to admit defeat, but the reality is that I am the only family these kids will ever have. Not by choice, not for an septuagenarian. They are a part of my 2nd innings for anything and everything which began at my retirement. Guess I am about start over afresh again at this age. Let me be frank, the happiness of their birth is over shadowed by the anger against their absconding father. My biggest mistake.

13th Aug

I actually don't believe its been this long since I wrote. 4 and a half years. Thanks to all the help I get from folks here, I never had the need to.But today we lost another. Fourth in the last one year and I knew I had write something down. I hope I don't end up alone in this old age home. God forbid, but I wouldn't want either of these 2 girls to. These are not things I can even talk about freely here. Lucky that I found the diary today....And a small note for tomorrow. I want these to be here- something which Praachi always said - "Time and food are the only things that can fill your life, with good memories or bad. " She said that everytime I was awed by her cooking,every time we were happy ,every time Pratheeka was hurt. She said it to herself, loud enough for me to hear , every single time I postponed her annual trip to her elder brother's house.......

29 Jan

Tomorrow will be Akshara and Akshaya's 8th Birthday. Its been almost a year since I met them. It's a strange coincidence that I end up finding this diary every time I have something to say but no one to hear. Today I am just not able to hold it within myself any longer. I feel guilty of not being able to handle them on my own or give them a family. I feel guilty of not having seen to that my daughter settled down with a committed and responsible person. I feel guilty of ignoring her cribs and complaints. I failed to see through the whole issue. I was successful in whatever I did, in whatever I could ever do. But when I am myself at an old age home, I cant expect them to care of kids too. I can manage, they needed attention and the only justification I can give myself is that someone might someday adopt them . That's the only hope I have. I know how Praachi and Pratheeka would have reacted had they been here today, to see how things are. I sat the whole day recollecting as to how things went by , in those early days, of college, of youth , of marriage and Pratheeka. A nice walk down the memory lane. I never bothered to write after she was born. I didn't need to. I found a good listener in Praachi and a dream come true in Pratheeka.

If they could ever understand I would want to tell them a sorry today, to each and every one of them. I always wanted those 2 pearls from Pratheeka to be happy, live a normal life , with a normal family and the rest of us overlooking them, blessing them. It didn't happen that way. In fact nothing ever happened that way. I could have tried, I should have at least tried. But I didn't......

3rd Jan 2009

I found this dairy today when I was rummaging through grand-dad old books for a good piece to read on. I am so lucky I found it. There is a lot written here. I never saw much of him and always wondered how my family was. I am writing this down as a note for this bond, as a note for this day. I donno why, but I have tears in my eyes while I write this down. I am not sure though if they are tears of happiness , that I at least got some information about my family.. yes my very OWN family... Or to be sad that it is after such a long time. the time where I and Hara di always felt if not anyone else, grandpa was responsible for all the troubles in our life...Wish I bothered to check this box when I got it. I donno why I am crying.. Hope nobody sees me this way.. Hara di.... how do you manage to not react ... teach me that someday di... --- Akshaya

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Akshara read all this for the 3rd time today. Standing by a pillar, in the lobby of a small hospital, trying to decipher what all the displays say. Why did this have to happen now? Why like this? She never knew that she could cry. Not today, never before. Akshaya wanted to show her something for last few weeks. They found this diary with her at the accident site. It seems even with that serious injuries , she refused to give the diary. When Akshara got this diary, she never knew it would open the Pandora's box... A past she never looked back to... A story she always tried to deny. This diary took back to days.. Days when she didn't know whom to ask for answers. Its high time she did it

17th Feb 2009

I still remember those days back in the orphanage. We were with kids and just a couple of adults. Till Gladys aunty was there , it was all discipline. I always thought rules were life. For me Gladys aunty and the orphanage was the world. By time we reached 4th Std, Akshaya started to read books. something which I was not that fond of. She used to read all those happy stories and ask me questions of where our family was? Why grand dad was not staying with us? Why we never get to meet our parents? Questions I could never answer. How could I when I was just a couple of minutes elder to her. Every time she asked such a question, I felt like crying.. Crying out loud... But in order to make sure she doesn't loose it all, I had to keep her stable and sane.

Akshaya was a dreamer. She always was. I knew it that the moment I told her I had no answer she would panic... just the way she did when Grand dad visited us the final time. He brought us goodies and when Shaya saw them, she lost it. With wet eyes, all she could manage was " Where were you?". Grandad just smiled and left right then. He didn't speak a word to either of us. 3 days later , we were watching some guy light his pyre. It didnt effect me much but it hit Shaya hard . She feel terribly sick and was pleading to Gladys aunty for meeting mom and dad. After all this I realised, I could never tell her how she felt. Just out of the fear of how she would react. I also started to hate grandad, for never loving us. for not caring about us , for being selfish. I never told this to Shaya but i guess she knew. She knew as I always avoided topics related to families and relationships. Every time I heard anyone speak, I just remembered that incident. Until today, when I read this diary, I never realised, there could be something more than that met our eye. Shaya, I have nothing to teach.. Not now.. Sorry Shaya , Sorry grandad ... but this is how I have always been ---- Akshara